How do you solve a problem like Korea?

the-sound-of-musicnkThere were more bellicose words from a governmental committee in North Korea recently: “we will never miss the golden chance to wage a great war for national reunification.” The committee in question? Committee for the Peaceful Reunification of Korea. It is a truly remarkable demonstration of Double Speak which George Orwell would have been proud of, but it is also the type of thing which makes you think Kim Jong-Un is as crazy as a soup sandwich. Unfortunately, whilst one wonders whether anyone in the DPRK honestly thinks this type of thing actually makes the world take them more seriously, it is clear that North Korea’s capabilities are improving. They might not be the world-conquering threat they portray themselves as, but they are still capable of mass-destruction.

It’s the type of thing which makes you think Kim Jong-Un is as crazy as a soup sandwich.

So how to quash the threat of a rogue nuclear missile being sent South Korea’s way? Dialogue hasn’t worked, UN sanctions are as effective as a Green Peace mandate, and international condemnation has been like a parent trying to make their adolescent teenage kid pay attention in school. Goodness knows we don’t want America to come along following a random misfire and “democracy” the hell out of them. The answer? Sabotage. Although Dennis Rodman knows more personally about Kim Jong-Un than the CIA, it cannot be beyond America to infiltrate a single person into the bowels of the beast. That person’s sole objective would then be to make sure everything military-related goes wrong. A flick of the switch here, a screw loose there (no, we’re not talking about Kim Jong-Un (badum-tish)), and the military programme will come tumbling down. When the missiles do begin to fail (not that they’ve needed any help so far though), we would know for sure that North Korea was as dangerous as a toothless baby tiger. Would anyone be surprised if their missiles began to fall apart? Even the DPRK probably wouldn’t be surprised. Continually set them two paces back and they’ll never get anywhere. Our saboteur would have the added effect of keeping some eyes on the ground and letting us know how seriously we should actually be taking North Korea. Eventually North Korea wouldn’t have anyone to blame, but most importantly they wouldn’t have anything to threaten the world with forcing them back into good old diplomacy and getting along with the international community in order to survive.

Maybe we are missing a trick though. Most of North Korea’s technology is probably stored on a 128mb USB stick somewhere, and I know mine goes missing constantly, so again, get someone to find that stick – it would set them back at least thirty years from where they are now (the eighties), so that would be the fifties, a time in which they barely existed and well, problem solved. Truly a much better plan than the Committee for Peaceful Reunification, and that’s saying something.

This article was brought to you by the Committee of Well-Thought-Out Ideas.

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